I am not one to hide what is wrong with me. Most of my friends know this, but I have struggled a lot with mental illness for the last nine years or so. I personally struggle with anxiety and panic disorder as well as depression. My anxiety has been bad for the last couple of years, but my depression, while there were good days and bad days, has been mostly under control until recently. However as some of you may know, my life has kind of unraveled over the last couple of months. I don't really have friends right now where I live, and the ones I do don't get that I just can't magically get better, but that will be a tangent in a minute.
The worst part about depression and anxiety for me is the fact that I just don't enjoy anything right now. I don't want to film, read, or play video games. I still try to film topics that I'm excited about, but when I do, they just aren't as well received. Don't get me wrong, I don't do this for views or subscribers, but when you're really excited about something and you feel like no one is watching it gets kind of disappointing especially when life already kind of sucks. However if I don't film, I then feel stressed out. I know if I said anything everyone would be like "it's fine don't worry take care of yourself", but I always feel so incredibly guilty when I don't put a video up every week. I know that's a silly thing to stress about, but for some reason it makes me so anxious if I don't film. Then I'm in the violent circle of I need to film and I'm freaking out that I haven't filmed, but I don't want to film, or if I do I don't have anything I want to talk about.
I guess the point is it's okay to be not okay. A lot of the people who are my "friends" (i.e. people in my classes or who I work with but don't see outside of class/work) don't get that. They tell me I need to try to get better right away and make myself happy. Now don't get me wrong that is important and you definitely need to take care of yourself, but it's okay to be not okay. It's okay to fall apart. It's okay not to film, or blog, or read because you just can't bring yourself to do it. It's okay to not want to get out of bed, but at some point we all need to pick ourselves up. Even if that just means going through your daily routine, which for me, getting up and going to the grocery store or getting the mail can be the hardest thing in the world to do right now. Some days, you need to focus on the little victories. So to you reading this, never forget that some days the little victories are what matters. You are not your illness, and eventually everything gets better even if it doesn't seem that way right now.
To anyone who doesn't feel important, I promise you are. There is someone in this world who is so proud of you and cares about you so much. If nothing else, I (a stranger on the internet) am so proud of you. Whether you are struggling through a terrible depression right now or if it was years ago, I am proud of you because mental illness isn't easy, and some days life might not feel worth it, but I just want everyone to know that you are important and you are worth it.
Now this originally was supposed to talk about mental illness and being a content creator, which is something i've been struggling with a lot. I don't feel inspired to create content. I, right now, barely feel inspired to get out of bed. However I think this ended up making a more important point that you aren't alone in this struggle, and there is someone out there who cares about you. I promise.